This topic was irresistible.
Like Calvin, I find myself to be a “chaotic mass of paradoxes.” Despite this, we differ in that I think I know myself very well. Somehow, all the complicated details filter into layers, and it all works out nicely in my head. The collective result is perhaps not unlike an onion or a Photoshop painting. I have quite a strong sense of self, with all its intricate complexities. At every change I will not rest until I have distilled things down to a crystal clear liquid that can be bottled.
Having said that, I really appreciate the few in my life who are able to see through me. It’s very difficult, because while I know myself well, I hardly show even glimpses of the core. To be able to “understand my thought from afar” and know it all “before there is a word on my tongue” are qualities I deeply cherish in people because they are so rare. I always envied telepathic lovers or friends in books. The fact that God can and does do this is not often on my mind, and I tend to seek this closeness in people. Humans are, of course, fallible, however, and I grow disappointed as the few who do understand me turn away when I tax on their patience. God is the only one I can and should trust, because He is the only one with the grace to embrace us fully in our depravity. I wonder that I do not turn to Him enough in my troubled times, instead seeking comfort in the tangible. It’s something for me to work on. Since God never fails us, shouldn’t it be easy to trust in Him by nature of positive feedback? I don’t know why I flee at times. Perhaps shame.